Couples in Crisis: Ambivalence, Violence, and Addiction Role Plays
Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1 hour
Didactic Presentation: 2 hours
Educator: Danielle Schaefer
Description: This experiential training is designed for counselors seeking to deepen their confidence and competence in working with couples navigating high-stakes dynamics, including ambivalence about the relationship, situational couple violence, and addiction. Participants will engage in three structured, 15-minute role plays. Time will be given between role plays for group feedback, Q&A, and skill refinement. These role plays will give counselors the opportunity to put theory into practice and work in-the-moment with intense relational dynamics.
Drawing from Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) and Relational Life Therapy (RLT), participants will practice:
- Tracking and naming negative cycles
- Using bold, attuned interventions to de-escalate reactivity
- Undoing shame around violence and addiction
- Creating verbal contracts to foster buy-in and containment
- Holding structure and hope for couples on the edge of disconnection
Pre-Didactic Materials
https://mycounselor.box.com/s/a6m4ed6icjq0hrn7kd8u76cwfdhd5oth
Video Review:
This is our last didactic on couples in crisis. Out of my love for you all and the graciousness of my heart, I have gone ahead and put together a little 30 minute presentation that will review some key points from the last few didactics. Hopefully, you will find that video somewhere on this page. You are also more than welcome to go back through and review the previous didactic materials. 🙂
Role Play Prompts:
Below, you will find the three role play prompts we will be using for the didactic. Three brave, wonderful team members have already volunteered to be the therapists for these prompts. However, everyone should spend some time getting familiar with the different prompts, because I will need volunteers to play husbands and wives. As you are considering each prompt, feel free to ask yourself, “If I were to get picked for this role, is there any additional info I would need?” And, if so, send me (Danielle) a chat, so I can address any questions or concerns you have.
On the Brink – Ambivalent
Cycle Type: Pursue – Withdraw
Attachment Styles: Avoidant Husband/Anxious Wife
Presenting Issue:
Retirement has destabilized the couple’s routine. The husband retreats into hobbies and silence, believing everything was fine until his wife became “difficult.” The wife, now longing for deeper connection in what she hoped would be a golden era, feels increasingly abandoned, vocal, and critical. Her protests escalate to threats of separation.
Husband:
- Recently retired, values quiet and autonomy
- Avoids emotional conflict and copes by isolating in the garage or with hobbies
- Perceives her distress as irrational or overly dramatic
- Believes things were fine until she started “making everything a problem”
Wife:
- Feels isolated and emotionally abandoned in this life stage
- Longs for deeper connection and shared purpose post-retirement
- Expresses pain through criticism and emotional escalation
- Feels hopeless, like she’s “wasting her last good years”
Escalation Pattern:
Wife protests and criticizes → Husband shuts down and disappears emotionally → Wife threatens to leave → Husband withdraws further → Both feel lonely and misunderstood
Therapist Prompt:
“Retirement has shifted things—what would you each say the problem is, and why did you come now?”
Therapist Goals:
- Create an alliance with both before framing all these things. Validate and join.
- Join with more ambivalent spouse specifically.
- Name the attachment dilemma.
- Pursuer dilemma. [Example:“If I bring this up, I risk my spouse pulling away, but if I don’t bring it up, it feels like the relationship will die.”]
- Withdrawer dilemma. [Example: “If I say something, I’ll make things worse. If I withdraw, it looks like I don’t care.”]
- Anchor the work in a contained structure (e.g., “six sessions,” “eight weeks”).
- Magic Question: If I could give your spouse a magic pill and they be the spouse you wanted after all these years, all the things you’ve tried to get through to them now are getting through. Would you want them?
- Contract Language: “Can you agree to give me 4 months for us to see if you can accomplish these things? Dramatic change in your spouse. As they dramatically change, you have to warm back up again to receive it.”
Situational Couple Violence
Cycle Type: Avoidant Male/Anxious Female
Presenting Conflict: Husband emotionally disappears during conflict; wife feels abandoned, spirals into panic
Violence Pattern: Wife blocks doorways, throws items, screams to get a reaction. Husband tries to walk away but then explodes, yelling or grabbing her wrists.
Therapist Prompt:
“What happened the last time things got heated between you two? Take me into that moment.”
Therapist Goals:
- Assess whether IT or SCV
- Track the cycle, paying attention to when violence enters the chat
- Normalize the reactive cycle (undo shame) without excusing harm
- Identify if violence is proximity-seeking or distance-seeking
Optional Questions:
- Help me understand what happens when it gets violent? (Cycle + Impact of violence on person)
- How often has it occurred?
- What are you hoping for when it gets violent?
Addiction
Addiction: Alcohol (functioning drinker, not in recovery)
Cycle Type: Pursue–Withdraw (Wife Pursuer/Husband Withdrawer)
Husband: Begins drinking most nights after work to unwind and avoid dealing with emotional tension. Defends his drinking as “not that bad” and resents her for acting like his “mother.”
Wife: Feels abandoned emotionally and physically, sees the alcohol as a betrayal. Has tried pleading, nagging, and silent treatments.
Escalation: She accuses; he drinks more. She threatens separation; he shuts down.
Therapist Prompt:
“If I could slow it down, what happens inside each of you right before he opens a drink?”
Therapist Goals:
- Start with the meaning of the drinking with the pursuer (when she sees him drinking – Trigger).
- Tie the addiction to the cycle using TEMP – when you get to P that is the place you find the addictive behavior.
- Use lots of validation along the way for the vulnerability they display to a partner. Paint a positive picture of what’s happening, naming all the new steps of what they did each time they do an enactment.
