Infidelity: Individual Sessions with Betrayed Spouse

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1-2 hours
Didactic Presentation: 2 hours
Educator: Sarah Cowan

Description: For this week’s didactic, we will be shifting into the phase of HOW we work with the individual spouses – specifically the betrayed spouse for this week’s training. After disclosure, transparency, and couple stabilization is completed, it is important to separate the couple for a custom set of individual sessions to address individual recovery needs. During the individual work with a betrayed spouse we are focusing on the following goals to accomplish during their session times:

• Grieving, Feeling, and Coregulating with Therapist
• Processing and Integrating the Disclosure into their Reality
• Processing Trauma Responses
• Regaining Personal Safety, Self Care, Resourcing
• Taking Inventory of Impact and Moving Towards Personal Healing

Since most cases of infidelity arise from an avoidant spouse that needs to do a lot of their own growth work, or is an addict who requires sobriety AND recovery, the Injuring Spouse is unable to co-regulate and provide all the care immediately that the Betrayed spouse needs and deserves. Therefore, we balance and split sessions for a time here to provide the co-regulation and healing care that the betrayed spouse needs. In an ideal world, sessions could be prescribed for the next 1-3 months as weekly individual for both and every other week added couples stage 1 stabilization sessions. However, some clients cannot afford that plan, so customizing a personal therapy schedule that your client can sustain where you are prioritizing the individual work through taking turns with a 1x month couple stabilization session could be another appropriate alternate. The reminder here, is that we recommend and lead with what we know works best, and stay flexible and attuned to our client’s realities as we provide customized care. We hope this training helps you walk away feeling more equipped and empowered to move into this next phase of infidelity recovery work with your clients.

The following are pre-didactic materials to watch and read prior to our training. Please come with questions for Q&A time if they arise during your prep time, and we will continue our format of teaching, Q&A, and practice time.

Pre-Didactic Materials:

WATCH THIS:

Video: General Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal (17mins): https://youtu.be/O03af6PHkmg?si=AcG7iOHCR70lYlxJ

Session Videos (Watch at least 60 mins of examples below and any remaining can be used as optional PD training):

First Post Disclosure with Betrayed Spouse – Grieving, Feel it Thru, Reality domain work, Impact Assessment, and Co-Regulating with Sarah (30mins):
https://app.box.com/file/1961369971184

Redemptive Separation, Stabilizing, Self Care and Boundaries w/ Betrayed Spouse & Melissa (Whole session starting at 7:55mins):
https://app.box.com/file/1960442624559?sb=/activity/comments/671989307

Individual work or alliance and individual stabilization needs with Robbin following a disclosure with another therapist (17 mins):
https://app.box.com/file/1961373681589

Double Affair Delayed Therapy Couple & Sarah-second session coregulating Impact letter with Female Client: (23mins)
https://app.box.com/file/1961376440972

Individual with Shaun L. and Betrayed Client Co-Regulating and Psychoed post disclosure work (50mins):
https://app.box.com/file/727506345139

RESOURCES TO READ AND SAVE FOR CLIENTS:

How To Write an Impact Letter: https://app.box.com/notes/1960832063129\

For Spouses of Sexually Addicted Men: https://hopequestgroup.org/store/the-journey-book-one/

Bethesda Healing for Partners Workshops :https://www.bethesdaworkshops.org/for-partners/

Resources for Clients in our Bibliotherapy section of University: https://train.mycounselor.online/courses/mco-residency-in-neuroscience-informed-christian-counseling/lessons/marriage-infidelity-emotional/

Infidelity: Stage 1 Overview

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1.5 hours
Didactic Presentation: 2 hours
Educator: Melissa Abello

Description: For this week’s didactic, we will be going over:

• First Session + Triage
• Prep Disclosure + Disclosure Session
• Couples Stabilization

What to Expect for Didactic on 8/20/25:

• Overall overview of first session, disclosure and stabilization
• Opportunities for questions and dialogue in each portion of presentation
• Conduct role play experiences around building alliance during first session with different presentations of clients
• Metaprocess

Pre-Didactic Materials:

WATCH THIS:

• https://train.mycounselor.online/category/team-meetings/
  • Re-watch the presentations (beginning portion of each didactic) from last three didactics
    • 7/23/25 – First Session + Alliance building
    • 7/30/25 – Disclosure Prep + Disclosure Session
    • 08/12/25 – Stabilization of couple
• Please write down any questions or thoughts you have regarding any of the material, so we can engage them during didactic next week

Future Didactics:

• 8/27/25: Individual Work with Injured Spouse
• 9/03/25: Individual Work with Participating Spouse
• 9/10/25: Process Group

Infidelity: Couple Stabilization

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1.5 hours
Didactic Presentation: 2 hours
Educator: Danielle Schaefer

Description: For this week’s didactic, we will be focusing on the stabilization stage of infidelity work. We are focusing on how to have intentional conversations with couples that focus on doing no more harm to the relationship. We are helping couples navigate activities of daily life together following disclosure. Additionally, we will be working to help couples create a transparency plan and begin conversations about establishing sobriety if an addiction is present. Completing these tasks will help the couple establish enough safety for the therapist to move into individual work with the injured and the participating spouse and to enter Stage 1 EFT work with the couple.

Areas of focus:

– how to navigate daily life in the midst of a breach in trust.

– common questions/concerns that come up for couples and counselors at this stage

– boundaries and strategies to avoid doing additional harm.

– how to coach couples to develop a transparency plan

– how to initiate sobriety conversations if addiction is present.

What to Expect for Didactic on 8/13/25:

• Present information about Stabilization stage
• Answer questions from the group
• Conduct role play experiences
• Metaprocess

Pre-Didactic Materials:

WATCH THIS:

Video: Stabilization: https://train.mycounselor.online/courses/mco-residency-in-neuroscience-informed-christian-counseling/lessons/infidelity-protocols/topic/video-1/

READ THESE:

Article Redemptive Separation:
https://mycounselor.app.box.com/file/235692838167?s=zi0yn65ixjdrjin5hfv78wkw1jpb2hw0

Article Therapist-Facing How to Create a Transparency Plan:
https://mycounselor.app.box.com/notes/904499938922

Article Client-Facing How to Create a Transparency Plan:
https://mycounselor.app.box.com/file/1943233597625

Role Play Prompts

Stabilization Prompt:

Setup: The couple reports that since the disclosure, they are completely avoiding each other at home. Bill (participating) says he’s trying to give space. Vicki (injured) says the silence makes her feel abandoned.

Skill Focus:

• Help the couple establish ground rules for basic interaction (emotional, physical, social).
• Validate the disorientation and confusion – and offer predictable structure as a form of safety.

Transparency Plan Prompt:

Setup: Vicki finds herself compulsively checking devices and Bill’s email logs. She hates doing it, but doesn’t know how to feel safe otherwise.

Skill Focus:

• Help Vicki name the fear beneath her actions.
• Communicate to Vicki and Bill that going into investigator mode will not ultimately be helpful, as it blocks opportunities for Bill to be honest – it does not build trust over time.

Upcoming Didactics:

8/20/25: Infidelity Stage 1 Review (bring your questions about didactic materials and/or infidelity cases)
8/27/25: Individual Work with Injured Spouse
9/03/25: Individual Work with Participating Spouse
9/10/25: Process Group

Prep for Disclosure — Both sides + Disclosure

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 2 hours
Didactic Presentation: 1 hr 45 mins
Educator: Peter Muhwati

Description:

The aim of this training is

1. To teach clinicians how to conduct individual sessions with both spouses in preparation for full disclosure, when there has been infidelity.
2. To teach clinicians how to conduct the full disclosure session

FULL DISCLOSURE GUIDE
https://mycounselor.app.box.com/notes/1936749199131

EXAMPLE FULL DISCLOSURE
https://mycounselor.box.com/s/qkri4p4s4fdah5b5ohiaf51yj6bjugmu

Infidelity: First Session- Assessment + Triaging

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1 hour
Didactic Presentation: 2 hours
Educator: Robbin King

Description: The goal of this didactic is to help the therapist gain a clearer perspective of what EFT Infidelity work entails while being aware of the following:

• Understand the purpose of Session 1: Why stabilization, not solution, is the key clinical focus after infidelity.
• Apply the Three Core Elements of Session 1Triage, Story Mapping, and Initial Containment — what each entails and how to implement them safely.
• Use Therapist Tools and Language to Build Emotional Safety: Learn how to validate both partners, manage emotional flooding, and establish a calm therapeutic presence.
• Recognize the Common Pitfalls: What to Avoid in Early-Stage Work to Prevent Re-traumatization or Derailment.
• Set the Stage for Sessions 2 and beyond- Understand how Session 1 sets the foundation for deeper EFT cycle work and emotional repair.

Pre-Didactic Materials:

Working with Affairs in EFT Emotionally Focused Therapy Part 1 with EFT Trainer Scott Woolley, PhD

Affair Series #2: Assessment and Triage

Infedelity Flow Chart

MCO Team Summer Hangout Time!

Time:  11:00am-1:00pm CT

Outside Study:  ZEROOOO
Led By: Sarah Cowan and Leadership Team

We’ve all worked very hard for the first 6 months of this year doing therapy, matching meetings, training, and role playing various types of marital and EFT cases.  We can celebrate the end of that training cycle and pause before entering the next series of training around infidelity recovery work.

Today is going to be a time to kick back, relax, bring your favorite summer drinks and snacks as we all take some time to connect as humans, friends, and gamers.  There will be a balance of fun games as well as casual chatting, so that we can blend structured activities with enjoying people we don’t always get to just talk with.  For those not already on vacation, we look forward to hanging together and taking a mental break from all the hard work and training we’ve been doing around M-C work.  See you there!

Couples in Crisis: Ambivalence, Violence, and Addiction Role Plays

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1 hour
Didactic Presentation: 2 hours
Educator: Danielle Schaefer

Description: This experiential training is designed for counselors seeking to deepen their confidence and competence in working with couples navigating high-stakes dynamics, including ambivalence about the relationship, situational couple violence, and addiction. Participants will engage in three structured, 15-minute role plays. Time will be given between role plays for group feedback, Q&A, and skill refinement. These role plays will give counselors the opportunity to put theory into practice and work in-the-moment with intense relational dynamics.

Drawing from Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) and Relational Life Therapy (RLT), participants will practice:

• Tracking and naming negative cycles
• Using bold, attuned interventions to de-escalate reactivity
• Undoing shame around violence and addiction
• Creating verbal contracts to foster buy-in and containment
• Holding structure and hope for couples on the edge of disconnection

Pre-Didactic Materials

https://mycounselor.box.com/s/a6m4ed6icjq0hrn7kd8u76cwfdhd5oth

Video Review:

This is our last didactic on couples in crisis. Out of my love for you all and the graciousness of my heart, I have gone ahead and put together a little 30 minute presentation that will review some key points from the last few didactics. Hopefully, you will find that video somewhere on this page. You are also more than welcome to go back through and review the previous didactic materials. 🙂

Role Play Prompts:

Below, you will find the three role play prompts we will be using for the didactic. Three brave, wonderful team members have already volunteered to be the therapists for these prompts. However, everyone should spend some time getting familiar with the different prompts, because I will need volunteers to play husbands and wives. As you are considering each prompt, feel free to ask yourself, “If I were to get picked for this role, is there any additional info I would need?” And, if so, send me (Danielle) a chat, so I can address any questions or concerns you have.

On the Brink – Ambivalent

Cycle Type: Pursue – Withdraw
Attachment Styles: Avoidant Husband/Anxious Wife

Presenting Issue:
Retirement has destabilized the couple’s routine. The husband retreats into hobbies and silence, believing everything was fine until his wife became “difficult.” The wife, now longing for deeper connection in what she hoped would be a golden era, feels increasingly abandoned, vocal, and critical. Her protests escalate to threats of separation.

Husband:

• Recently retired, values quiet and autonomy
• Avoids emotional conflict and copes by isolating in the garage or with hobbies
• Perceives her distress as irrational or overly dramatic
• Believes things were fine until she started “making everything a problem”

Wife:

• Feels isolated and emotionally abandoned in this life stage
• Longs for deeper connection and shared purpose post-retirement
• Expresses pain through criticism and emotional escalation
• Feels hopeless, like she’s “wasting her last good years”

Escalation Pattern:
Wife protests and criticizes → Husband shuts down and disappears emotionally → Wife threatens to leave → Husband withdraws further → Both feel lonely and misunderstood

Therapist Prompt:

“Retirement has shifted things—what would you each say the problem is, and why did you come now?”

Therapist Goals:

• Create an alliance with both before framing all these things. Validate and join.
• Join with more ambivalent spouse specifically.
• Name the attachment dilemma.
  • Pursuer dilemma. [Example:“If I bring this up, I risk my spouse pulling away, but if I don’t bring it up, it feels like the relationship will die.”]
  • Withdrawer dilemma. [Example: “If I say something, I’ll make things worse. If I withdraw, it looks like I don’t care.”]
• Anchor the work in a contained structure (e.g., “six sessions,” “eight weeks”).
  • Magic Question: If I could give your spouse a magic pill and they be the spouse you wanted after all these years, all the things you’ve tried to get through to them now are getting through. Would you want them?
  • Contract Language: “Can you agree to give me 4 months for us to see if you can accomplish these things? Dramatic change in your spouse. As they dramatically change, you have to warm back up again to receive it.”

Situational Couple Violence

Cycle Type: Avoidant Male/Anxious Female
Presenting Conflict: Husband emotionally disappears during conflict; wife feels abandoned, spirals into panic
Violence Pattern: Wife blocks doorways, throws items, screams to get a reaction. Husband tries to walk away but then explodes, yelling or grabbing her wrists.
Therapist Prompt:
“What happened the last time things got heated between you two? Take me into that moment.”
Therapist Goals:

• Assess whether IT or SCV
• Track the cycle, paying attention to when violence enters the chat
• Normalize the reactive cycle (undo shame) without excusing harm
• Identify if violence is proximity-seeking or distance-seeking

Optional Questions:

• Help me understand what happens when it gets violent? (Cycle + Impact of violence on person)
• How often has it occurred?
• What are you hoping for when it gets violent?

Addiction

Addiction: Alcohol (functioning drinker, not in recovery)
Cycle Type: Pursue–Withdraw (Wife Pursuer/Husband Withdrawer)
Husband: Begins drinking most nights after work to unwind and avoid dealing with emotional tension. Defends his drinking as “not that bad” and resents her for acting like his “mother.”
Wife: Feels abandoned emotionally and physically, sees the alcohol as a betrayal. Has tried pleading, nagging, and silent treatments.
Escalation: She accuses; he drinks more. She threatens separation; he shuts down.
Therapist Prompt:

“If I could slow it down, what happens inside each of you right before he opens a drink?”

Therapist Goals:

• Start with the meaning of the drinking with the pursuer (when she sees him drinking – Trigger).
• Tie the addiction to the cycle using TEMP – when you get to P that is the place you find the addictive behavior.
• Use lots of validation along the way for the vulnerability they display to a partner. Paint a positive picture of what’s happening, naming all the new steps of what they did each time they do an enactment.

Experiential Groups Practice for Intimate Terrorism & Addiction

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1 hour
Didactic Presentation: 1 hr 45 mins
Educator: Peter Muhwati

Description:

The aim of this training is to build on previous training in the “Couples in Crisis” series. You will get to watch some examples of counsellors working with both Addiction and with Intimate Terrorism. Then you will have the opportunity to practice in your experiential groups. Experientially we will practice:

1. Assessing for Intimate Terrorism in the couple.
2. Mapping the cycle when addiction is present.

Pre-Didactic Material:

1. Review team meetings for both intimate terrorism and addiction on 05-14-2025 and 05-21-2025 respectively. Here is the link to the team meetings page and the minute markers to review.

5/14/25

5/14/2025 Didactic

Minute markers 1:16:50- 1:32:35

5/21/25

5/21/2025 Didactic

Minute markers 27:57- 1:01:00

2. Below are the slides from those two didactics in case you also need them for review.

Couples in Crisis Part 1
https://mycounselor.box.com/s/xthmmyqtdto5lizkvh7hn4w6ketr317q

Couples in Crisis Part 3
https://mycounselor.box.com/s/t4of09xbtk5vmj38f0gyaynn9muhulfh

Experiential Groups Practice for Couples on the Brink & SCV

Time: 11:00 am-1:00 pm CT
Outside Study: 1 hour
Didactic Presentation: 2 hours
Educator: Sarah Cowan

Description: This training aims to provide opportunities for observation and practice of the therapeutic interventions previously trained in the Couples in Crisis series in order to foster the integration and embodiment of the left brain education. Client sessions and experiential role plays will be focused specifically around the presenting issues of ambivalent couples on the brink as well as couples engaging in situational couple’s violence.

NOTE:

Please pull your notes from these two previous didactics as you prepare and listen to this week’s Pre-Didactic Material.

Optionally, you may re-watch the training so that as you listen to the training podcast and prepare yourselves for practice, you are fresh about the content and protocols.

*If you missed either of those Didactics, please use your PD time to also make that up in order to be trained for this week’s experiential groups.
https://train.mycounselor.online/category/team-meetings/ 4/30 and 5/14 are the dates for those didactic videos

While these trainings equipped us with interventions, tools and protocol suggestions for managing these resistant and complex cases, I want to encourage us all to integrate these tools in a way that is authentic and still true of the EFT therapy you provide your couples. The Pre-Didactic podcast discusses how to confront resistant clients who are stuck by reflecting back their attachment dilemma. We can utilize that move and this language even as we are reflecting the dilemma of their ambivalence and the dilemma of the couple’s violent reactivity against one another. We hope that this training both empowers you, links your skills together with your existing mental map, and provides you with more confident language to set clear treatment plans for couples in these escalated and resistant places of their marital cycles. We look forward to watching sessions together and discussing next week as a team, and then breaking out into groups for your own practice.

Pre-Didactic Material :

https://theleadingedgeineft.podbean.com/e/112-the-resistant-client-series-repetitively-reflecting-their-attachment-dilemma/ (43 mins long-Can be found on your favorite podcast platform as well)