03-13-2019 MCO TEAM MTG: FULL DISCLOSURE INDIVIDUAL PREP SESSIONS AND COUPLE’S FULL DISCLOSURE SESSION

CEU TRAINING: INFIDELITY INTAKES

DATE:03-13-19

TIME:11:00-1:00 PM CT

OUTSIDE STUDY:1 Hour

DIDACTIC PRESENTATION:2 Hours

EDUCATOR:Shaun Lotter MA, LPC #200631338

SOURCES: 

NLT study Bible (2nd ed.). (2008). Carol Stream, Ill.: Tyndale House.

Affair Recovery Center – web published materials

Helping Couples Get Past the Affair – Baucom, D.H., Gordon, K.C. & Snyder, D.K. (2009). New York, NY.: The Guilford Press.

The Journey – Melissa Haas (2013)

Building for Freedom – Troy Haas (2012)

DESCRIPTION:

The training is targeted at assisting mental and behavioral health professionals to grow in their understanding and counseling of Christian clients. Counselors will be taught how to conduct individual sessions with betraying and betrayed spouses.  Additionally, therapists will learn how to conduct a full disclosure session.  Therapists will also integrate theological/faith components on such matters critical to the Judeo-Christian client population while integrating sound clinical skills.

OUTLINE:

• Betraying Spouse Individual Session
• Betrayed Spouse Individual Session
• Full Disclosure Couple’s Session

CLICK HERE for link to material in BOX Research Library

Sessions 2 & 3: Individual Full Disclosure Prep Sessions

• BETRAYING SPOUSE INDIVIDUAL SESSION OUTLINE (90 minutes):

1. Establish an understanding of the client’s history, beginning with childhood.  This is important to complete, as you will need to understand your client’s background to aid in putting the pieces of their story together.  Complete this step unless the client is resistant and does not have a sexual addiction.  In these cases, attempting to explore a more extensive understanding of their past can cause a level of frustration which may lead to termination of therapy, or, significantly hinder buy-in on the therapy process.  In sex addiction cases, getting a history is critical and cannot be skipped.  CLICK HERE for history questions.
   1. You are trying to identify the betraying spouse’s wounds and vulnerabilities, leaving them at risk for infidelity.  As you are talking through their history, it is important for you to be making observations, later being able to use these to make relevant connections to the present.
2. Have the client read their disclosure out loud to you.  Now you will go through the disclosure with the client, listening to determine how well they have completed the task and for any needed corrections.  Often times it is useful to give them a pen and clipboard to take notes if they have a physical copy of the disclosure, their devices if it is a digital copy, or have them send you a digital copy to use to share screen with them on ZOOM to make corrections with them as they go.   It will be important you listen for the following:
   1. Adequate level of detail.  You want to be sure to have the client remove graphic detail (the kind of detail that paints a vivid mental picture.  Example: I met with the affair partner at the hotel and she was wearing . . . lingerie and we had sex in these positions. . . Also, it is critical you listen for broad brush levels of detail.  The client is very vague about what they have done, speaking about it in a more general, even theoretical sense.  This is often due to shame and resistance.  Example: I saw my first Playboy at the age of 11 and have struggled ever since.  
   2. Blaming or justifications. The client has been operating in a great deal of self-deceit.  They are simply not capable of being completely honest without help.  As such, they may intentionally or unintentionally blame others (including the affair partner or their spouse) or make justifications for what they have done.  You will be helping them recognize these.  In the event they are highly resistant, you will likely be pausing to process the resistance, not simply the content needing correction.
   3. Just not doing it. In some cases, a client simply will not complete a written disclosure.  In these cases, we process the resistance.  The client may say they went ahead and shared with their spouse.  Again, process the resistance.  You will likely need to take time with the betrayed spouse to strengthen them in asking for what they want and need, rather than what the betraying spouse would prefer.  This kind of response is common in a relationship where there is a substantial power differential and the betraying spouse is accustomed to doing what they want.
3. Outline client’s plan for self-care and being compassionate with spouse following disclosure. It is helpful to point out to the betraying spouse how their partner is likely to feel and respond following disclosure.  Also, they will need to be intentional about how they will take care of themselves.  Here are some important points:
   1. You will likely feel significant relief following disclosure, your spouse will not.  As the betraying spouse, off-loading what you have been keeping hidden is a great feeling, even if it is painful.  However, it will be like you are backing up a dump truck and unloading a massive load all over your spouse.  They want the truth, but for them, the initial phase is going to be shocking and overwhelming, not relieving.  You may also feel closer to your spouse than you have in a long time, due to being honest with them.  Understand, they may not share this feeling.  You may have a strong desire to connect with them, even sexually, but they may be very closed off to this.
   2. Self-Care.  You need to proactively have a plan in place for how you are going to take care of yourself following disclosure.  This plan should include how you will care for yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  As a part of this plan, you need to identify safe, supportive, same-gender individuals to be a support to you.  Your spouse is not going to be in a position to provide the support you might like, and you need another outlet.
   3. Drive & Sleep Separately.  It is usually a good idea to drive separately from your spouse to disclosure, as car rides following can be quite challenging.  Additionally, it is often wise to plan on one of you spending the night at a different location than the other spouse.
   4. Be ready to ask what is helpful. Your spouse is going to be in shock and overwhelmed.  It is important you are supportive and not a hindrance.  A simple way to do this is to ask what would be helpful for them rather than trying to guess.  Here are some examples:
      1. Would it be helpful for you to have time out by yourself or with your supports?
      2. Would it be helpful for me to listen to how you are feeling and what you are thinking?
      3. Would it be helpful to ask me questions, even if these are repeat questions?
      4. Would it be helpful for me to hug or hold you?
      5. Would it be helpful for me to share what I am feeling and thinking?
      6. Would it be helpful for me to reaffirm my commitment to our relationship?

BETRAYED SPOUSE INDIVIDUAL SESSION OUTLINE (90 minutes if possible):

1. Normalize and validate.  The betrayed spouse has never been in this position before and is uncertain.  Ask them how their heart is doing.  Be sure to reflect back to them and add where you can what would be normal.  Your goal is to hear them say, “Yes, that’s exactly how I feel right now.”  This assists in building rapport and them seeing your ability to help them.
2. We are going to take history but in a different order.  You want to walk through the history of the marriage relationship first, not childhood.  This is because the client is focused on the current issue.  If we begin in childhood, they may feel lost and struggle to see the relevance.  If we start with the marriage and the issue at hand, we can then move back to childhood, having already established relevance.  You can make this transition by letting them know it would be helpful for you in assisting them to know them and now that you know about the marriage, you want to understand their past.
3. Prepping for disclosure.  Now we are going to talk about getting ready for disclosure session and the days following.  Here are the points we want to make:
   1. What questions do you have and what clarifications do you need?  We are going to encourage the client to take time to write out questions they have any specific areas needing clarification.  Tell the client to write out any and all questions they can think of.  Then, take some time away from this list.  Come back to the list and ask the following about each question, “Will knowing the answer to this question help me heal or cause more injury?”  Any questions which would be helpful in healing are kept while the others are crossed out.  This list is then brought to disclosure.
   2. Identify and prep your support people. The client needs to identify at least one supportive, safe, same-gender person who can be a support to them.  The client will tell them what has happened in their life.  The client will also share the plan to complete full disclosure.  They will arrange to meet up with their support person following disclosure.  This time can be used to process, vent, cry, or just sit quietly.
   3. Drive & Sleep Separately.  It is usually a good idea to drive separately from your spouse to disclosure, as car rides following can be quite challenging.  Additionally, it is often wise to plan on one of you spending the night at a different location than the other spouse.
   4. You need to proactively have a plan in place for how you are going to take care of yourself following disclosure.  This plan should include how you will care for yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
   5. Give yourself permission to ask for what would be helpful to you. Normalize for the client the reality they and their spouse will feel very differently following disclosure.  Again, their spouse will feel significant relief while they will feel shocked, numb, and overwhelmed.  They will feel burdened while their spouse feels unburdened.  As a result, the client may vary day to day or even moment to moment on what they need.  Encourage the client to see this is normal and to give themselves permission to ask for what they need.  Let them know, desiring closeness with their betraying spouse is not weakness, while at other moments, wanting space is not mean.

Session 4 or Later: Full Disclosure Couple’s Session

Now preparations have been made, we can move into the full disclosure couple’s session.  This is a 90 minute session with both spouse’s present. The session structure is as follows:

1. Welcome couple and outline structure. “I want to take a few moments at the beginning of our time to outline the structure of the session today.  Our purpose in meeting is full disclosure as the first step in all 3 of our recovery areas, your individual recovery (to the betrayed spouse), your individual recovery (to the betraying spouse), and the marriage’s recovery (to both).  I am going to have (betrayed spouse’s name) read through the disclosure they have prepared in its entirety.  As they read through their disclosure, (betrayed spouse’s name) I am going to ask you to have your list of questions and clarifications out.  I will give you a clipboard and pen.  As your spouse reads their disclosure, please make note of any additional questions which arise in your mind while they are sharing.  When they are finished sharing, you will go through all the questions and clarifications from your list which have not been fully addressed, including any new questions you have written down as they shared.  While we are going through your questions, I may present some of my own, as well.  Additionally, if I hear you asking a question which I believe may be harmful to you rather than helpful, I will pause you and ask about what would be helpful about know the answer to this.  I will not tell you what you ultimately can know the answer to.  If you decide you want to know the answer to that question even after we have explored your thoughts, you are welcome to ask it.  With any time remaining, I will dismiss you (to the betraying spouse) and use the remainder of our time to process with your spouse (to the betrayed spouse).  Do you have any questions with what I have outlined?” After answering questions, go ahead and set up follow-up individual or couple’s sessions rather than waiting until the end of session.
2. Walk through the session.
   1. Betraying spouse reads their letter.
   2. Betrayed spouse and therapist ask questions.
   3. Remaining time is spent processing with the betrayed spouse after dismissing betraying spouse (if any time remains).

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