2 thoughts on “02-20-2019 MCO TEAM MEETING: CANCELLATIONS & INFIDELITY INTAKES”
What is the best approach when it is just the betrayed spouse in counseling? (And the betraying spouse is not working toward restoration.) Do I work on bolstering the willing spouse in her ability to self-care and hold to her boundaries? Possible separation? Or just help her make sense of how she found herself in the current situation (i.e. codependence) and how to not repeat future maladaptive behaviors?
This is a great question and an unfortunate situation we find ourselves in too often. What I like to do is a combination of teaching Fear Cycle and Heart Care. The reason for this, is she is struggling with both a lack of insight and an inability to cope with her situation. She does not know what is going on in and for her, and so is making sense of life by trying to make sense of him. Being able to establish and maintain your own sense of reality is critical and very under threat in these cases. Don’t be quick to think of her as co-dependent. She may be, but attachment distress brings out a lot of co-dependent trait in people, and this is some pretty incredible attachment distress. Boundaries are the step after she does what I listed, not before. If she attempt boundaries without doing the other she will go back into a reactive place and be unable to keep any meaningful boundaries. Keep in mind, we really do depend on the reactions of others to help us make sense of reality. That is not pathological, that is normal. What is pathological is his responses to her which will not be in line with reality. He is constantly feeding her responses which contradict reality and invalidate her. As such, she needs this development internally, as well as other women supports, to get her barings.
What is the best approach when it is just the betrayed spouse in counseling? (And the betraying spouse is not working toward restoration.) Do I work on bolstering the willing spouse in her ability to self-care and hold to her boundaries? Possible separation? Or just help her make sense of how she found herself in the current situation (i.e. codependence) and how to not repeat future maladaptive behaviors?
This is a great question and an unfortunate situation we find ourselves in too often. What I like to do is a combination of teaching Fear Cycle and Heart Care. The reason for this, is she is struggling with both a lack of insight and an inability to cope with her situation. She does not know what is going on in and for her, and so is making sense of life by trying to make sense of him. Being able to establish and maintain your own sense of reality is critical and very under threat in these cases. Don’t be quick to think of her as co-dependent. She may be, but attachment distress brings out a lot of co-dependent trait in people, and this is some pretty incredible attachment distress. Boundaries are the step after she does what I listed, not before. If she attempt boundaries without doing the other she will go back into a reactive place and be unable to keep any meaningful boundaries. Keep in mind, we really do depend on the reactions of others to help us make sense of reality. That is not pathological, that is normal. What is pathological is his responses to her which will not be in line with reality. He is constantly feeding her responses which contradict reality and invalidate her. As such, she needs this development internally, as well as other women supports, to get her barings.